And God told me, “It was all part of the plan” as I was journaling and reminiscing about past decisions that ended up in heartache and periodic regret I ask myself, “Why did I?” and “How was I suppose to know?” The resounding guilt attached to “Why did I?” became overwhelming to me during times like this that I felt the long-term effects of what has now revealed itself as a beautiful mess after I thought it was a prayer answered. The results of my own understanding derived from deceitful desires misleading my heart away from what I truly desired the most; which was a peaceful and enjoyable life.
How was I supposed to know that the man who told me, he was going to be the best boyfriend I ever had, was not prepared to be my husband when he asked me to be his wife? How was I suppose to recognize the problematic signs within the early parts of our relationship was behavioral issues rooted deep within that it would take the wisdom of God to resolve the unresolved issues that would be the little foxes that spoiled true love? How was I supposed to know that what I thought was true love was never really true at all? How was I suppose to know that when a man tells me he loves me, does not mean he understands how to love me in sickness and health for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer until death does us part? How was I suppose to know the rules of engagement when dating let alone accepting a marriage proposal if no one ever taught me how to properly engage with a man who acted like a gentleman, who prayed like a Godly man, who worked like an intelligent man, who spent time with His family like a family man and who claimed me like a man loves a woman; did not have enough love to sustain us because He did not have enough love to sustain himself? How was I supposed to know his unresolved issues would become my new found issues of my heart? How was I suppose to know that just because he knew how to be kind and well-mannered did not mean he knew how to be a husband? How was I supposed to know my truth was so twisted that my answered prayer would end in my beautiful mess? How was I supposed to know that God is not the only one who answers prayers? How was I suppose to know the rules of engagement if no one ever taught me?” As I sat there and closed my journal tears slowly rolled down my face as I heard my phone ring. By the time I reached over to pick up the phone and answer the call, it went to voicemail. As I dialed to listen to the message, it was he who caused me so much pain saying, “Hey Ruth, I know it has been awhile but I wanted to reach out and apologize. Will you please return my call?”
As I listened to the message, I found it quite uncanny that during my moment of heartfelt anguish, the very person who helped me get here would contact me after so long to apologize. What made him think I needed his apology? What made him think I wanted his apology? What made him think I was open to hearing his voice? What made him think in the first place? Doesn’t he understand his thinking is what gets him and those who trust him in trouble? What did he think his apology would heal without the proper resolution needed to cure long-term consequences? To me an apology without proper resolution is a waste of time and strong evidence that your apologetic words without proper resolution is like faith without works…..dead! What made him think I would want to enter his emotional roller coaster of an apology that desired to take my will, desires and emotions up and down and all around before I would find my power to get off his ride? What made him think at all?